I want my thoughts back

I’ve been asked to write a blog about OCD but my mind is totally empty. It’s not so long ago that I would have done anything to have a clear mind and a few seconds of peace. I guess you can call me a ‘recovering OCDer’ as I fought through the 24/7 hell to create a good life for myself in London. But I cannot wash away the past or even 100 per cent prove that my obsessive thoughts are not real. I just have to live with it and seek happiness from life.

There was such an annoying woman on my train today. She was determined to be heard and harass other people. “Oh my god,” I thought I have found the personification of OCD. Her victims don’t know how to handle her and wish she would go away, while those out of her firing line laugh and look on in wonder at this bizarre creature. The truth is most people don’t know how to handle conflict and simply want a quiet life. But we have to travel to work, just as we have to be at peace with our mind.

You need to get your dukes up if you’re going to beat this thing. It’s like trying to reel in Jaws but your own mind makes the imaginary beast even stronger and pulls you ever closer to its unforgiving jaws. Even when writing about OCD, I still don’t go into specifics about my battle with the disorder. I would never sell myself to magazines with an ‘I beat OCD’ story, as I never want anyone to know the thoughts that turned my mind into a battlefield. But maybe one day I shall be happy to discuss my life with OCD.

The first rule of OCD Club: you always doubt you have OCD.
The second rule of OCD Club: you always try to solve OCD.
The third rule of OCD Club: you seek reassurance you have OCD.
The fourth rule of …I’m already bored with this club. If only defeating OCD was this easy.

Nothing weighs heavier on your soul than obsessive thoughts. I have Pure-O, which would leave the majority of the public lost, as ask most people about OCD and they will say, “People who wash their hands too much. People who wash their hands too much. Sorry, how many times did I say that?”. If you’re going to make a joke about OCD then at least make it funny.

Work and relationships

I don’t know if it’s a typical OCD trait, but I continually fret over past mistakes, especially those I made at work or in relationships. I was never the top of any class but I know I’m not stupid, which makes it even worse when I do something wrong in the office. “If only I’d checked that one last time”, or, “Why the hell did I do that for?” are thoughts that bombard me on a daily basis. My sole ambition in life is to do one thing perfectly. Just one thing.

If relationships depend on being totally honest, then I’m doomed as I never give anything away. When I’m going out with someone, the last thing I want is to appear to be weak. And having OCD is not something you can happily chat about over dinner. Admittedly OCD is not always to blame and the more girls I meet the more my confidence grows, which can only be a good thing.

Does talking help?

To be honest, I hate talking or hearing about OCD as it brings back too many bad memories. I went to the OCD Conference last November and while I was glad to see so many people seeking help for their obsessive-compulsions, I could not sit and listen to sufferers’ stories.

But while I was under the power of OCD, it was all I talked about to my family, helpline advisers and therapists. I even tried hypnotherapy, which was quiet cool but of no real help in controlling my obsessive thoughts. Beware of therapists who compare OCD with alcoholism or drug addiction. In my opinion people who cannot resist their next drink or fix are different to those who listen to obsessive thoughts or carry out compulsive behaviour to reduce anxiety. Whereas these addicts spend their money feeding their addiction, OCDers spend money on therapy and self-help books to try to annihilate their obsessions.

Even those who love and care for you, will get bored with your constant need for reassurance. Once I knew I had OCD then I had my answer, but that didn’t stop the doubts. I tried therapy but gave it up after a few sessions and did not feel comfortable at support groups, so I followed the advice in books and on websites on how to overcome this disorder. If you expose yourself enough to the thoughts then the dread and anxiety will subside.

Blogging OCD

There always seems to be another celebrity with OCD, which helps normalise the disorder. But knowing that David Beckham suffers from OCD does not make me feel any better and while I empathise with the other 1.8 million or so sufferers in Britain, all I want is to be out of the OCD Club. At least I know that OCD is not psychosis so I shall not lose control or do something that ruins my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer and blogs seem to be the way to go. So I hope to entertain some of you during my blog about life with OCD and maybe you can fill my shoes after I depart for a new challenge?

- OCD Guest Blogger 1 -