New Start

My new job marks a fresh start in life and time to put my nine months of disappointment behind me. As an OCDer, I tend to dwell on the past and curse myself for not having done things differently. But the past is the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it. This is a damn shame because nothing feels worse than regret.

But I am no longer under the power of OCD so for that I should be thankful. But I think having OCD makes people naturally secretive and, for me, the wall I build around myself often stops me experiencing fulfilling relationships. When I’m in a relationship I turn into a captured prisoner under interrogation who never gives anything away.

But I want to adopt a positive outlook to the rest of 2009 and succeed in my job and let everything else just fall into place. I hope the OCDers reading this blog can learn to forgive themselves for their mistakes and go on to enjoy life

- OCD Guest Blogger 1 -

Valentine’s Day vs OCD

I wonder if those suffering from severe OCD waste a second worrying about being single on Valentine’s Day? The funny thing about having OCD is that because your whole mind is consumed by obsessive thoughts, there is no space for the general stresses of life. But I would be single forever if it meant I could go back in time and delete OCD from my history.

A year ago, I was in a job I hated and the stress I was under had nothing to do with OCD. I was simply following the wrong career path in the wrong environment. Despite feeling incredibly tense and despondent, it still felt a lot better than ‘OCD Hell’. But because I was unhappy at work it made me unhappy with everything else in my life. So I was a useless boyfriend, a depressing friend and lost all enthusiasm for writing.

But your heart and soul always heal eventually and it’s important to keep on fighting for happiness and freedom from OCD. I thought about partying in Amsterdam this weekend but the flights and accommodation are so expensive because of Valentine’s Day. I haven’t been abroad since April 2007 and am desperate to see somewhere new but I don’t want to be conned into spending too much money just because of some naff weekend for lovers.

I don’t have too much to say this week, which I suppose is a good thing. As if I was under the grip of OCD then I would be filling hundreds of pages with cries for help and reassurance that this is OCD and not me.

- OCD Guest Blogger 1 -

Here comes the snow

I did enjoy the festive feeling that came with the heavy snowfall on Monday. It’s not often London feels like a friendly city but there was such a jovial atmosphere in the pub on Monday, with workers feeling happy they had dodged a day off work and young parents taking the rare opportunity to play with their kids in the snow.

It’s these magic days with your friends that give you the power to stop OCD regaining control of your thoughts. I never want to miss out on fun or adventure because of OCD and life is all about the people you spend it with. It shouldn’t be you stuck at home besieged by tormenting thoughts and rituals, fearing life will never be enjoyable again.

Now that ice has begun to replace the fluffy snow, you will have to be careful not to slip up and hurt yourself. Trawling through a snowstorm to then slip on ice could arguably be a metaphor for being in ‘OCD recovery’. As after the battle of defeating, what often seems, an unstoppable enemy, the last thing you want to do is fall on your ass and slide back under its control.

So I guess my message this week is, “You may not be able to control the things that happen around you but you can fight back to make sure your life isn’t sucked into the storm. “ Anyway, keep up on your feet and get ready for more snow.

- OCD Guest Blogger 1 -

Keep on Running

Wow, this is my third blog and talking really does help. I hope that sharing my anxiety and experiences helps portray the life of an OCD sufferer, and gives those who are afflicted by this dreadful disorder hope for the future.

I was listening to the commentary of an episode of The Sopranos called ‘Remember When’ and some of what the respective actor said about the subtext and theme of the gangster drama really struck me.

“You have to love yourself first before you are able to love others.”
“Life is all about discovering who you are and trying to be a more loveable person.”

I am still nervous about returning to work, especially as I do not have a start date yet. And I’m always at my most anxious when I am in limbo and unable to do anything to influence my future. I hope it’s going to be okay, as I cannot wait to get back to the office and have more of a purpose to my life.

I remember when I told two former colleagues that I had OCD. It was an anti-climax to say the least; their eyes just glossed over and after a couple of “oh, rights”, the conversation resumed as if I hadn’t even mentioned my secret disorder. For them the night continued but for me, it was another night of tormenting thoughts and self-reassurance. I never told anybody at work again.

I am looking forward to doing a first aid course this week, which should allow me to learn some essential medical skills and get me used to waking up each morning to go somewhere I have to be. And you never know when you’ll have to save someone’s life.

I love exercise, especially running and swimming. When I run through the park and along the river, I am able to deal with my thoughts and troubles while enjoying life and keeping healthy. I shall never let myself be paralysed by OCD again. And what I like about these two activities is that there is no pressure on me to perform in a team. It’s just me and I’m the only person I have to answer to for my performance.

-OCD Guest Blogger 1 -

Back to Work

This is my second post and I still have OCD, but I shall not let it affect my preparations for my new job. I have been unemployed since July and, like Barack Obama, I cannot wait to get started in my new role. It has been a stressful time with having to apply for hundreds of jobs, unsuccessful interviews and the tedium of having to register with recruitment agencies. However, this stress still comes second to the anxiety that OCD has caused me since 2004.

I remember having to go to rubbish fill-in jobs while I desperately tried to figure out why I couldn’t shake these tormenting thoughts. Every day was sheer torture; my obsessive thoughts dominated my mind and made it impossible to listen to my colleagues and follow instructions. This meant I made mistakes, and I hate making mistakes. My first permanent job as a researcher was also a disaster, as I wasn’t equipped for the role and had to keep darting out to phone OCD helplines.

A BBC Breakfast package on ‘returning to work’ cheered me up this morning, as a magazine editor spoke about being “the worst civil servant ever” until he discovered he wanted to be a journalist. It showed me that a lot of decent, intelligent people have failed in the workplace but still achieved career success once they found a suitable profession.

I think what makes me susceptible to OCD is my tendency to dwell and analyse the past, which when seen through OCD eyes can distort the truth and leave me scared of facing the challenges that lie ahead. I have to put my past failures behind me and go into my new job eager to learn and ready to impress.

I haven’t told my employers I have OCD, but did have a slight panic they would dig up my medical files and learn all about me. By listening to these ‘what if?’ fears I often create my own sense of doom which only adds to my stress levels. That’s the worst thing about OCD – it makes you think the unthinkable and only escalates until you wake up during the night in sweat-drenched sheets.

For all the OCD sufferers out there who have lost their jobs and struggling to find employment, please relax and make sure you are happy in yourself before you start looking for work. After I lost my job last summer, I sent out loads of applications but quite often found mistakes in them so I had to resend them with the lie that “my e-mail server is down, so I’m resending you my application”. I was not surprised when none of these applications led to an interview.

So my New Year’s resolution is to make sure I am ecstatically happy with my work before I hit SEND, so I can avoid the anxiety that has hung over my head for most of my life.

- OCD Guest Blogger 1 -

I want my thoughts back

I’ve been asked to write a blog about OCD but my mind is totally empty. It’s not so long ago that I would have done anything to have a clear mind and a few seconds of peace. I guess you can call me a ‘recovering OCDer’ as I fought through the 24/7 hell to create a good life for myself in London. But I cannot wash away the past or even 100 per cent prove that my obsessive thoughts are not real. I just have to live with it and seek happiness from life.

There was such an annoying woman on my train today. She was determined to be heard and harass other people. “Oh my god,” I thought I have found the personification of OCD. Her victims don’t know how to handle her and wish she would go away, while those out of her firing line laugh and look on in wonder at this bizarre creature. The truth is most people don’t know how to handle conflict and simply want a quiet life. But we have to travel to work, just as we have to be at peace with our mind.

You need to get your dukes up if you’re going to beat this thing. It’s like trying to reel in Jaws but your own mind makes the imaginary beast even stronger and pulls you ever closer to its unforgiving jaws. Even when writing about OCD, I still don’t go into specifics about my battle with the disorder. I would never sell myself to magazines with an ‘I beat OCD’ story, as I never want anyone to know the thoughts that turned my mind into a battlefield. But maybe one day I shall be happy to discuss my life with OCD.

The first rule of OCD Club: you always doubt you have OCD.
The second rule of OCD Club: you always try to solve OCD.
The third rule of OCD Club: you seek reassurance you have OCD.
The fourth rule of …I’m already bored with this club. If only defeating OCD was this easy.

Nothing weighs heavier on your soul than obsessive thoughts. I have Pure-O, which would leave the majority of the public lost, as ask most people about OCD and they will say, “People who wash their hands too much. People who wash their hands too much. Sorry, how many times did I say that?”. If you’re going to make a joke about OCD then at least make it funny.

Work and relationships

I don’t know if it’s a typical OCD trait, but I continually fret over past mistakes, especially those I made at work or in relationships. I was never the top of any class but I know I’m not stupid, which makes it even worse when I do something wrong in the office. “If only I’d checked that one last time”, or, “Why the hell did I do that for?” are thoughts that bombard me on a daily basis. My sole ambition in life is to do one thing perfectly. Just one thing.

If relationships depend on being totally honest, then I’m doomed as I never give anything away. When I’m going out with someone, the last thing I want is to appear to be weak. And having OCD is not something you can happily chat about over dinner. Admittedly OCD is not always to blame and the more girls I meet the more my confidence grows, which can only be a good thing.

Does talking help?

To be honest, I hate talking or hearing about OCD as it brings back too many bad memories. I went to the OCD Conference last November and while I was glad to see so many people seeking help for their obsessive-compulsions, I could not sit and listen to sufferers’ stories.

But while I was under the power of OCD, it was all I talked about to my family, helpline advisers and therapists. I even tried hypnotherapy, which was quiet cool but of no real help in controlling my obsessive thoughts. Beware of therapists who compare OCD with alcoholism or drug addiction. In my opinion people who cannot resist their next drink or fix are different to those who listen to obsessive thoughts or carry out compulsive behaviour to reduce anxiety. Whereas these addicts spend their money feeding their addiction, OCDers spend money on therapy and self-help books to try to annihilate their obsessions.

Even those who love and care for you, will get bored with your constant need for reassurance. Once I knew I had OCD then I had my answer, but that didn’t stop the doubts. I tried therapy but gave it up after a few sessions and did not feel comfortable at support groups, so I followed the advice in books and on websites on how to overcome this disorder. If you expose yourself enough to the thoughts then the dread and anxiety will subside.

Blogging OCD

There always seems to be another celebrity with OCD, which helps normalise the disorder. But knowing that David Beckham suffers from OCD does not make me feel any better and while I empathise with the other 1.8 million or so sufferers in Britain, all I want is to be out of the OCD Club. At least I know that OCD is not psychosis so I shall not lose control or do something that ruins my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer and blogs seem to be the way to go. So I hope to entertain some of you during my blog about life with OCD and maybe you can fill my shoes after I depart for a new challenge?

- OCD Guest Blogger 1 -

Welcome

Welcome to OCD Action's Blog "living with OCD". This blog is designed to give people a real insight into the daily life of somebody with the dissorder.

If you want to know more about the reality of OCD then this blog will tell you all you need to know, if you have OCD then you will see from our guest bloggers, you are not alone.

- OCD Action team -